Back to the laughs …

One of the main reasons I got the comedy bug back into me this winter comes down to my restless brain. Whether I am doing stand-up or not, I tend to see the world through the eyes of a satirist. Especially in today’s world, life seems to exude satire and parody from every pore, and you can either recognize it for what it is, or get brain damage from the fumes. I learned long ago that if you can’t laugh at life, it will surely drive you mad, and so, the stand up comedy is a good fit.

Getting back into stand-up gives me a chance to have another outlet for the parody and satire I find in the world. This blog was my first attempt to find an outlet, and I’m very happy with what I am creating here. Still, the blog format has a limited audience based strictly on its format, and branching into performance gives me a chance to connect with a different set of people.

The trouble, for me anyway, is that I am a natural writer, NOT a natural performer. The first time around, back in 1991-1992, I was very young and very insecure in myself, especially in things like performance, and I was never able to work myself into a comfort level that let me experiment. This time around, I am having more fun experimenting. This past Friday, I did some new material that was a real departure for me. I don’t have video (and truth be told, I need to do it a few more times before i want to video anything), but I wanted to publish the material I did this past Friday in text while I work more on it.

Both were a complete departure for me. I’ve always been fairly comfortable talking to the audience, but nervous to go much beyond that. Most of the new material is actually musical in nature, and the fact I can’t sing or dance helps me out here it seems, lol. The first one I came up with is an idea I’ve been rolling around in my head for awhile now, a geek rap. I will probably add to this … I see this more as the story of how I became the geek that I am, but I’d also like to add some stanzas on the computer geekery thats become my life work and paycheque. Hopefully, you can work out the rhythm from the words … enjoy …

Geek Rap

by Lyle Bateman 2007

As a sci-fi geek from the earliest times,
I never ever learned to bust a rhyme,
or dance or sing or party or rock,
elves and Klingons, thats what I grok

I tried to be cool and got a new plan
Figured I’d join a rocking good band
never did start my cool on fire
ended up joining the local boys choir

Uh huh – Rap the Geek
do you grok?
I said, rap the geek
do you grok?

Thought that sports might make my name
so I spent some time trying to find my game
Tried football, hockey and baseball swings
seems I’m only good at getting hit by things

Joined a new club, thought I’d scored
kicking moves old school, on the chess board
I never did get it, can’t be the cool guy
but I’ll kick your fuckin’ ass with a 20-sided die

Uh huh – Rap the Geek
do you grok?
I said, rap the geek
do you grok?

A couple of days later, I was watching NewsWorld and a documentary on tarantulas came on. Fascinating bit of film-making, but it amounted to essentially 48 minutes of spider porn. Part of it was particularly scary though, as they described the mating practices of tarantulas, in typical nature documentary style with solemn voice over on top, and pictures of spider sex underneath. What scared me was how familiar it all sounded …

  • “the shy male ventures from his solitary hunt once a season at the smell of a female”
    so far, it sounds a lot like my dating habits actually …
  • “The female lays out blankets of scented silk around her lair”
    Still sounds like a LOT of my girlfriends here …
  • “The male coaxes her out by thumping his engorged organs on the edge of her lair”
    we’re still not too far off some of my initial dating experiences, but the court orders prevent me from getting into specifics …
  • “As she comes out, she is as likely to strike at him as mate”
    shit, this is my dating life to a tee!!!
  • “because of the precarious positioning, the male sometimes takes 3 or 4 tries to penetrate the female”
    what the fuck, am I on closed circuit or something?
    Truman Show maybe?
  • Turns out the female often kills the male, but even if she doesn’t, he mates once and dies, so the classic theme song HAS to change now
  • “spiderman, spiderman, friendly neighbourhood spiderman … Mating once, then he dies … life like that would make ya cry, hey hey life sucks as a spider man … in the heat of the night, he arrives to make time, but shes not in the mood, and he’s there at lunch time … spiderman, spiderman, friendly neighbourhood spiderman, spider queen in her horny hive, spiderman gets eaten alive, hey hey, life sucks as a spider man”
  • At the end, they’re talking about this guy who collects venom from the spiders for medical purposes. And the guys says “I prefer to use the anaesthetize and electrocute method on my specimens” … FUCK!!!!! they HAVE been watching my dating!!!!

Thats the latest products from my twisted comedy mind. The first attempt at performing them was pretty crappy, all in all, but the spider was also less than 24 hours old at that point. Its all still fairly fresh, but apparently my dancing during the geek rap is at least as funny as the words. Not sure whether I should take that as a compliment or not, but its a helluva lot easier to take it that way on a comedy stage than at a dance club on a Friday night. So I’ll just run with it ;-).


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