2007 … a year in jokes

New Years EveWell, we’re coming up on the end of 2007, and all the “year in review” shows are starting to come out now. Its one of the things I love about this time of year, the chance to reflect on the things that have happened in the past year, and think a bit about the future. In my stage act, I do a fair amount of topical, news based humour, and I thought I’d share a bit of that with you today as my version of a “year in review” post.

I’m going to start off by actually going back to 2006, since this happened late enough in the year to miss most of the reviews. Two days from now, on Dec 30th, will be the 1st anniversary of the execution of Saddam Hussein, by hanging. Whatever else you have to say about Hussein and his legacy in Iraq, the trial and sentence are almost a textbook example of irony. Hussein was executed not just for the execution of some Iraqi citizens … he was executed for executing a group of coup plotters accused of trying to execute Hussein himself. Thats a twisted mess of irony there … I have no idea what message we send out by using executions as a punishment for executions ordered as a result of an attempted execution, other than the message that irony ruled the world this past year.

There was some big news in the US political arena this year as well, outside the Presidential campaign. Idaho Sen. Larry Craig (R) was arrested for suspicion of lewd conduct, essentially for tapping his foot in a public washroom. Apparently, foot tapping in a mens washroom is code in some circles for a desire to have public gay sex in a washroom, and the cop in the stall next to him recognized it. The cop also claims Craig touched his foot under the stall … Craig’s defense was that he has a “wide stance” when he shits, but he still plead guilty to disorderly conduct. Now, whatever might have actually happened that day, the thing that pisses me off most is I can’t take my iPod into the can anymore. I was a public washroom a few weeks ago listening to Abba, and I walked out with a dozen dates!!!

There was a fellow in Australia this year who stole a tank and went on a joy ride. Apparently ran over a few cell-phone towers before the cops finally caught up with him. The news commentator was joking about what an idiot the guy was, given that he had no hope of outrunning the cops, but come on, its really pretty much a dead heat there isn’t it? OK, sure, I’m not gonna outrun the cops, thats a given … but how far are they gonna get with their spike belts? Are they gonna shoot my tires out? And sure, they can set up a roadblock, but even if I have no ammo for the gun and no clue how to use it, I’ll just drive through the damn roadblock. This guy was caught only when he ran out of gas, and came out willingly … I call that a dead heat.

Robert Pickton has been in the news all year. He’s the guy from Vancouver charged in the murder of 6 women, and suspected in as many as 43 others. He was finally convicted a few weeks back, on 6 counts of 2nd degree murder. I gotta say I’m pretty happy that he was convicted, and that he’ll most likely spend the rest of his natural life in jail, but none of that changes the fact that I still can’t eat ground pork!!!!

I saw an interesting report in science news this year too. Apparently, scientists have identified a component of marijuana that helps combat diseases like BSE in cattle … you know, mad cow disease. I thought that was kind of weird, and it made me wonder … should we really be encouraging pothead cows? Seriously, I see this as dramatically increasing ranching costs, supplying the cows with cownip. And ultimately, is a mad cow any less dangerous than a stoned cow? Sure, I can see how a stoned cow with the munchies will help fatten it up for slaughter, but you have to be very careful. If you’re looking for an image of chaos, a bull in a china shop has got nothing on a stoned cow with the munchies in a 7-11.

The RCMP has been in the news a lot this year, especially surrounding taser use. Seem to be a bit trigger happy with the tasers, but the fact I found interesting in one of the reports was that the power source for tasers is apparently just a normal AA or 9-volt battery. Thought that was weird, and I’m sure we’ll be seeing a new commercial on TV soon. “For the Mounties to always get their man, they trust Duracell. Whether your facing down a violent armed robber, high on PCP, or just a confused Polish tourist who can’t speak English, it just has to work. Duracell … the Cop Top Battery.” Of course, the campaign would only work for the one battery company though … no matter how bad the reputation of the RCMP gets, it’ll never look right to have every officer followed around by one of those stupid Energizer rabbits.

Finally, a bit of Christmas news that ended the year off. I read an article about a mall Santa who was groped by a woman that came to sit on his lap. He called security and had her arrested. She’s facing charges now of inappropriate touching. Now, mall Santas are entertainers too, and us entertainers have to stick together, so I want to make an announcement to all my fans. When you come to see a show, if you want to come up and talk to me after the show, or sit on my lap, I just want to reinforce the fact that I do not believe in pressing charges.

Hope you had a great 2007, and I wish you all the best in 2008 … no doubt, the world will provide me with as many jokes next year as it did this year. Not sure if I am happy about that, but it does make writing material a bit easier. Happy New Year, and all the best in 2008 …

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